Sometimes You Win, By Taking A Loss

I have never gotten on board with the phrase find your tribe, because in truth I have never felt it resonated on a deeper level with me, and I have been both publicly shamed, and attacked for it, and told oh you have a deep sister, or a witch wound.

And maybe I do, but here's the thing for me, during my younger years, and even in my adult years, it was the girls in the clicky gangs, and the women who bullied me, attacked me, and shamed me, that made me feel like I didn't belong or fit in anywhere!

Female competition, that felt like a sheer survival of will, for my truth, of my hard fought freedom, my identity, voice & vision stolen time & time again, friendships you thought were for a lifetime, crumbled, words left unsaid, and tears shed in the quiet.

So yes maybe I do, and here's another truth, I have wounds & scars of all kinds, yet I remain kind, open hearted and compassionate, I will no longer tolerate anything else in my next chapter of life, my bullshizzometer is still on point, working exactly as it should be.

This past month a classic example of how my 4/6 splenic projector energy, my aura, my seer, sensitive & empathic self works, as I attended an event that was meant to be inclusive, and a safe space, for all, no matter what colour, sexuality, views, that you held were, and here's where I stand personally on this

I believe in people fist, in how kind your heart is, not the colour of your skin, your sexual preferences, views, gender identity, live and let live is my motto, we all bleed red, yet I also believe that you are either born male, or female, and in rare circumstances, you may be born with both sexual organs, I believe that yes we all have a right to live as we wish to, I do not condone the judgement of anyone for choosing to be who they are, I had two gay brothers in law, and they were the best people, still are, I have gay friends, I have served trans people, had conversations from the heart, my own children have nuro diversity, as I do myself, life is to be lived how each of us an individual sees fit, I don't think I need to be shamed or ridiculed or cancelled for my own personal views, because that is not nice, and I've seen this happen, why oh why does it have to be this way, where if we don't agree, we have an open and kind hearted discussion.

I don't profess to know it all when it comes to inequality, diversity and inclusion, however I am always mindful, and will give respect to others, speak to them how they wish to be spoken to, make them feel seen, heard and listened to in my own spaces, as much as I can with the knowledge I hold at this time, I am always open to learning more, because here's the thing, we don't know, what we don't know.

I also see the shaming, the bullying, the cancelling that goes on, on and offline, in all arenas, I believe in free speech, in being able to express ourselves without others judging us, without the need to keep own heart & voice hidden because of backlash.

So let me say at this latest event I attended, I first hand felt, and witnessed it indeed was not quite there, the safety, the non judgement of others, despite the organisers hard work, and their own heart felt wishes to make it that way, and let me also say I in no way blame this person, it is what it is, they did their best with what they knew, the tools they had, and the people in attendance.

But in truth I personally sensed, felt, and saw, some were there purely for their own gain, their own egos, running the show, judging others, hating on others, and that's ok if your events are about that, this one wasn't meant to be, and it slightly spoilt it for me, it made me feel unsafe, and uneasy at times, so that I dissociated, and had to leave the room and ground myself outside in nature, I felt and saw the clickiness, not everyone, just some, and it made me want to cry, because I felt the joy leave in that moment.

As an individual I am giving my own heartfelt honest and personal opinion on something that could have been truly wonderful, and was in many ways, but for me, it wasn't quite there, yet in truth I am not sure what could have been done differently, and I know for a lot of people it was a day that was brilliant, and not without their own battle with adversity for attending.

This isn't my first rodeo with events, or networking where I haven't felt safe to be me, or felt a sense of un-belonging, it's why generally I don't do them, even though my heart longs to be included in such spaces, because as a 4/6 splenic projector, community is a part of my life legacy, yet as a sensitive soul and empath, I notice everything, even when I'm not looking, I feel energy, I see energy like a wave in the room, and when it's false I know, I feel it like a poisoned dart to the heart, and I retreat, I disassociate, and I go into hide mode, and this was no exception, and I know I wasn't alone in feeling this way at this event.

So yes, what if there is old pain around female relationships for me, and yes there is the abandonment wound from a fractured mother line, and I own this without apology, yet there is also a pattern of legitimate recognition that I no longer owe anyone any part of me, my heart, my soul, my vision, my voice, my f*%king raw power or magick.

What if it's my nervous system saying hey, this space, this circle isn't safe for you? and it's responding to this in real time, not just from my life lessons, but in real time, in the presence, in the moment.

Here's what I've also found to be true, we all wear a mask sometimes, and the word sisterhood, or the phrase find your tribe, often get's said from a specific group of people, same luxury aesthetics, same pricing, same mindset, same false narratives, same look at me I'm untouchable, and you can only come in my world if you make 10k months, or in the circles and spaces that promise inclusion and safety, yet in reality don't! because the minute you give a view that isn't the same as theirs, you are cancelled, shamed and judged for it.

Because you still see & hear, and witness first hand, the snarky sly comments, the back biting, the side eyes given, the false positives, the false smiles, and the bullying which makes you feel unsafe, and not belonging in that space, this is worth noticing, and trust me I do...

But here's where it get's sticky, the world is changing we fear sharing our truth for fear of attack, of becoming unpopular, of  being the problem, having our words, business, lives cancelled, and it happens...and is happening in a a very real way

Because it seems now as adults we cannot possibly disagree with the popular crowds, we are not allowed our own opinions, or have a reaction that isn't shared by the masses, suddenly we are the problem, once again on the outside, looking in..

And this is when the dreamer, the soul weaver, the sensitive starseeds go back into hiding, dimming their light so as not to upset the apple cart, never sharing their voices, vision or truth, and let me tell you, it hurts for us to hide, when we have so much to give, but no one listens, or see's us for who we truly are, the magick we can bring to a space

I don't want to sound like anyone else, because I'm not them, and they are not me, we are all beautiful, individually unique, I am not in competition with anyone else, I'm to busy trying to figure out me, and what my own truth is going forward, I don't need to prove myself to you, I don't need to be fully healed before sharing my thoughts, because non of us are ever fully healed, it's a journey, a continued one, a messy one, an imperfect moment each and every time, and when we take action, we align another small step in our own personal jigsaw of life.

Each of us evolve in the time we are meant to, what is for us, will not pass us by, our stories yet to be written in the margins of time, and healing is real, our past history, our life lessons leave invisible marks on our hearts, some of us with scars you can't see, but we feel, deeply..

And for me what has lost meaning is true genuine human to human connection in 1 heartbeat moment of time, real laughter, real tears, real love, not the fake assery of you scratch my back, and you can be in my gang bullcrap, my own heart doesn't work this way.

We are complex us humans, made up of light and dark, no matter the gender identity we choose as individuals, the colour of our skin, or our own personal views, and we move through this duality every damn day, often just getting on with it, hiding in our corners, thinking what if, or what the heck, wounds, scars, flaws, quirks and all, just being our beautiful messy selves, not perfect in any way, noticing and feeling what we do, seeing everything in only the way we can, and trusting in whatever is next..

Sometimes this is pausing, resting, sometimes it's working our buts off, sometimes it's holding ourselves as we despair of the human race, as we shrink ourselves once again to fit the mould that has been required of us, to simple survive in a world not clearly that we feel we are not a part of, or welcomed in, yet we hold hope, and a fire that can't be dimmed, because we are the diamonds that thrive in the darkness, because we have risen from the fires that tried to destroy us!

So yes the phrase find your tribe doesn't resonate with me, maybe it's a wound, maybe it's a protection shield, maybe I'm just a 4/6 projector recognising the bullshizz that goes on in different circles and spaces in the real and the present moments, or I'm a human being having a human response to feeling once again like I don't belong in the spaces I want to.

Because in truth life and business are damn hard to do alone, yet when my heart hurts, when I'm made to feel I don't quite fit in, I hide, and retreat back into my own space, and the cycle continues again.

But still, I continue to share my heart, to stay open, stay heart curious, being a heart led human first, putting people not money first, putting connection and kindness as my currency of choice, not being judgemental on other people, their gender, identity, choice of dress, views of anything else for that matter, because it's non of my damn business, however my on personal views, and heart is, how I choose to interact is, and I choose heart-led intention to the best of my ability with the knowledge I currently have, I don't know, what I don't know yet!

But I am always open & willing to learn.

I'll continue being the dreamer, the starseed, the warrior, the messy, imperfect human being that I am, and that just might be the prefect position of them all.

Either way being in spaces that are meant to be safe & inclusive, but actually aren't hurts, because I know where there's a wound, there's truth, my pain is not a weakness, it's an invitation to go deeper, it's not to fix, but to welcome in the truth.

We all wear a mask at times, it protects us, but I want the real, the raw, the unfiltered, the genuine, the parts holding the duality of pain and brilliance, because that's where together we rise above the bullshizz, and thrive.

So yes, the phrase find your tribe, and sometimes the word sisterhood, does not resonate with my heart, but true connection, genuine connection, love, light and laughter, and having a dreamers soul does.

And I get it, I really do, you all may want to be in the popular gang, me, I don't, I want the real not the fake assery, I want to go to events, and be in spaces, where each of us are welcomed, celebrated, where each of us feel safe to express ourselves, our journey, our truth without risk of being attacked, where ego is left at the door, where there is no room for the side eye, snarky comments, or falseness, where genuine human to human connection is the name of the game, where friendships are built on how we can help and connect to each other, not what can I or my business gain from this...

I long for a world, events, circles and spaces, that through genuine connection & conversations businesses & lives can and will be changed.

Because here's the damn truth sometimes we might say something, that someone else does not get, or agree because we are only human, if we are choosing to live with intention, and our words and actions are aligned with this, ie not meant to cause harm or offence to anyone else, I believe that's all we can do, especially as the world is a minefield when it comes to understanding the realm of inclusitivioty, diversity, gender identity of and for others, politics, etc, and I personally don't know enough of all the subjects to speak on it.

The thing is, and I think some have forgotten this, we are not responsible for another human beings reaction or action, to what we say or do as human beings, we are only ever liable for only our own words, actions, intentions and interactions, and it's taken a lot of years and tears to finally understand this, and even be ok with it, as a former abuse surviver and people pleaser, this has been a lot to unlearn for me.

I choose connection, conversations, heart, intention, and integrity, love and light for myself, to never intentionally go out to harm anyone else with my words, actions, interactions, I don't judge or criticise another human being for how their choose to live, dress or express themselves in anyway, that's their personal preference, I have compassion in my heart for when someone is hurting, yet chooses to lash out, I don't know their journey, their story, the why behind it, I haven't talked a mile in their shoes, so for me I choose the intention of let's all live in a world of our own making, it's unique, we as humans are all beautifully unique, its all I can do as a human being with the knowledge I currently have.

I'd love to know your thoughts, does this resonate with you, and your heart.